adminEarlier this summer, thanks to Prof. Glen Dunbar, I hosted a Coaching workshop entitled Planning Your Own Memorial Service: Putting the “Fun” in Funeral. Truthfully when Glen first approached me about presenting I was a bit uneasy about the title and how people might react to the idea of putting “fun” in their funeral. But nonetheless this was a topic that I’ve wanted to turn into a workshop for some time. It’s a crucial subject that we must talk about with our loved ones.
It turns out it was one of the most well attended and popular workshops I have conducted. I was pleasantly surprised with nearly 50 people in attendance, although a few came without their spouses who much preferred ignorant bliss. But here’s the thing: death will become us all, and a funeral for most will be the ceremonial closing to the lives we’ve lived. Unfortunately, many of us are terrified or very uncomfortable talking about death or planning our funeral. However, people like Prof. Dunbar want to change that.
The workshop focused on the acceptance of death, the origins and planning your own final send off, which should be meaningful, appropriate and affordable. With his dry wit and sense of humor, Glen injected some fun to put people at ease to lessen their apprehension. He encouraged attendees to think about their own memorial service: who was it for, what objectives did they want to address, and what options were there for some creativity? This is our final party so we should treat it like any other event and plan for it. How large would we want it, what music, food or entertainment would we want? Should it be a traditional service or more of a party atmosphere? Do we want cremation versus burial? These are all questions that surviving family members often struggle with, and we need to make those wishes and desires known to take the guesswork out for those left behind. Planning also requires financial considerations. Often families, out of guilt and emotion, spend a lot more money on a loved one’s funeral than what they would have wanted. He also urged people to write their own obituaries.
It was a great seminar, providing great guidance, exercises and motivation to address the final and inevitable consequence in our existence. It certainly gets you thinking about our own mortality and those around us. The next day I called my mother. If she didn’t live 3½ hours away, I would have strongly encouraged her to attend the workshop. So instead I began to describe the workshop and the purpose and value over the phone. I asked her if she had given this much thought. To my surprise, she had. Later that day I received an email detailing many of my mom’s last requests and wishes: which funeral home she had chosen, the church, the pallbearers, what music to play, the clothing she wanted to wear at her viewing, and where she wants her ashes spread. She also included her own obituary.
To some this may sound morbid or saddening. To me it is a gift. I am thankful for her fearlessness. When she passes, it will be heart wrenching and painful, but her proactive and practical approach of sharing her last requests and wishes will make a very difficult time much more manageable.
Thank you, mom.
*Glen Dunbar is a social gerontologist, a professor of sociology and a policy specialist on aging who attempts to apply the principles of active aging to his own personal life. He retired from a full time career in public service in 2003. Positions which he held included Director of the Policy Office for the Pennsylvania Department of Aging and Public Health Adviser for the federal Public Health Services Administration Division of Long Term Care. After retiring he entered the Peace Corps where he taught health promotion techniques in rural Nicaragua.
After he returned from Peace Corps duties he started an “encore” career as an adjunct professor at a variety of local colleges and universities teaching topics in sociology, gerontology, multiculturalism and leadership. He has an MPA from the Center for Studies in Aging at the University of North Texas and a certificate from the National Leadership Institute on Aging at the University of Colorado.
